where i am

i had one of those moments this morning. you know what i’m talking about. that moment when your alarm goes off and you cannot figure out how the night could have gone so fast. you don’t want to believe it’s already time to leave the comfort of a warm bed in a cool room. i found myself double-checking the time, and rethinking the order of days–surely the weekend wasn’t over yet? and then i crawled out of that cocoon of perfection and began my monday.

what delicious weather we’ve had lately. cool mornings, rainy weekends. this is my absolute favorite time of year. i know many people love autumn for the football, or the holiday decorating, but i’ve always loved how blue the sky gets, the changing leaves, the smell of the earth, the need for quilts and sweatshirts.

with the changing of the seasons comes thoughts of change. it seems timely, and appropriate, as i’ve recently celebrated my 26th trip around the sun (which is sort of lovely to think about: being in a rocket ship, traveling around our star. it’s a bit like a TARDIS experience). i’ve never liked change. even when i’m craving something new and different, there is still a need for things to always be as they were–my relationships still just as sweet and fulfilling, my home always this clean and beautiful, my bank account/pantry/creative life always this full. my cup always running over. i never want to grow old, to lose my youth or my elasticity.

the irony of change is it’s consistency. four times a year our weather patterns shift (in most places. not always in texas). as you grow older, different body parts work different ways. and with this reflection on change and how i accept it or not into my own life, i noticed how negative i am when i think about what needs to change in my life–my thoughts are filled with extremes and dramatic flourishing faints:

losing weight is “impossible”.
i’ll “never” find the home i want that lets me live how i want.
saving money is “impossible”.
i’m “always” going to look this way.

and there always seems to be a few days out of the month when everything is so much more overwhelming, when your whole life can seem an empty road stretching out before you, unchanging and certainly dismal. in those moments it’s difficult to remember that the one constant in life is change. at those times, i have begun clinging to mantras, sentences etched out on the blackboard in my mind

this too shall pass.
it isn’t forever.
life will not always be this way.
of course it will change. you determine the direction.

but then something started to niggle in the back of my brain (no auto spell-check on that word, so I know it’s legit!). i don’t have to believe it. i literally stopped in my tracks with that one. i don’t have to believe everything that flits through my head. i never know all the facts, i am not always truthful with myself, but mostly, i do not always have the best perspective. so it only makes sense that what i’m thinking isn’t always the most correct.

my life is revolutionized. changed. radically overhauled. there has been this freedom in recognizing that not every voice i hear is one of love, truth, or speaking to my best interest. there is no way to block all the voices, all the time. but there is a way to siphon them through a filter of truth. i allow myself to hear everything, since avoidance isn’t the answer. I hear them, then i reject those things as truth.

–losing weight will happen if i continue to nurture a healthy relationship with food and exercise
–my home is wherever i make it. the right home will come along at the right time, and not until.
–discipline with finances comes with discipline in all areas. restraint is virtuous.
–i have already changed in appearance, several times, in just a few short years. not to mention, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way i look. not one.damn.thing.

times of desperation and frustration are also periods of opportunity and growth. i try to remind myself that there is much to be learned in this period in my life. i am dealing with small spaces that inhibit many of the activities i love to do–sewing, quilting, canning, cooking, dinner parties, and gardening. but this same small space is also teaching me frugality, thriftiness, and the power of simplicity. i have not had a microwave in over a year because i have no counter space, but while i cannot quickly cook a frozen dinner, i am able to enjoy real food delightfully fresh and healthy. i don’t have much room for modern conveniences, but i’ve learnt they aren’t all that necessary. my bookshelves are overflowing, so that means it’s time to pass along these old friends to someone else who may enjoy them.

this tiny house has yielded great fruit–i learned to can and sew in this house. i utilized every designer tip to make it a delight to walk in to. i have survived two kittens (and am still surviving two cats). i made my first quilt here. i am learning that gardening will take much more of my energy than anticipated–sometimes remember to water the porch plants is challenge enough!

so in this new season, i’ve been trying to remind myself of a few things. i am blessed beyond measure for the things in my life i DO have. what will be, will be. i cannot, nor should i wish to, rush the things of tomorrow. it’s all going to happen at some point, and (hold on, one more cliche) i need to be happy with where i am, since there are lessons here as well. there is a saying flitting around Pinterest right now–“Do what you can with what you have where you’re at” (which isn’t grammatically correct but still, i cling)–which is a perfect encapsulation.

what are you finding yourself anxious about? what lies do you believe? what are you trying to rush in your life?


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