i have had a rough couple of days here. days where i can’t imagine why i’m so happy sometimes. days that are so boring, so lifeless. days where i just want to run away to another life. literally leave behind my family, my job, my boyfriend, my hobbies,passions, and interests. completely reinvent myself.
i hate feeling like this. i hate knowing that there are people out there with real problems, like being hungry, thirsty, cold, sick, alone, or abused. compared to them, what’s a little boredom?
but it was mind-numbing. it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. i couldn’t see how things would change in just a few days. i didn’t want to engage with anyone–even when i was with the ones i loved, doing my normal routines. all i could feel was restlessness and an urge to do something, anything. it extended throughout my weekend and into my work day. i didn’t want to be at work, but i didn’t want to go home either, where i would face the same lack of activity.
is this a product of our society? the need to be constantly entertained, on-the-go? am i overstimulated at work? can i blame my monthly hormonal spike? (i am heavily voting yes for this one) or am i simply being lazy? there are projects around my house that has moved past the easy stage and now require actual involvement/skill/tools/time/motivation to reach completion.
i was told by my doctor to not lift weights this week, so i couldn’t do my normal body-pump class. part of me argued to just go get on the treadmill anyway, but i had a feeling once i was at the gym i would half-ass it and not give it the umph! it needed. i made a deal with myself–if i went home, i had to pickle the okra that was going to go bad at any minute. so i ran by the grocery store, and actually ended up with everything i needed to complete a few other projects.
i headed home and deposited five bags, a bag of kitty litter, an ironing board, and my purse on the couch. that alone was overwhelming, but i soldiered on–changing into comfortable canning clothes. I made myself pull out all the food in my fridge that was on the edge–okra, peppers, squash, zucchini, carrots, and beets. i canned. i sliced and froze. i roasted, i dehydrated, i got that fridge emptied out! it felt SO. GOOD. to be in my element, to be doing something i actually enjoy, for no other reason than to do it. i have so many adorable pieces to my kitchen, acquired from the past few years of thrifting hardcore, but without use they’re just clutter. now i know that because of a few hours spent actively pursuing complete, jon will be able to enjoy spicy pickled okra, and i won’t have to throw away another slimy bag of okra.
the idea here was that i have been slacking off severely in the “feed your soul” department. I realized, during my boredom, that i’ve been neglecting to do the things that i want to do. surprise surprise, dishes and vacuuming and laundry don’t always do it for me. i enjoy shopping at the farmer’s market, but i enjoy a good meal with friends more. i haven’t canned food, sewed a new doll, or finished a painting in a long time. i think that’s where all the ennui was coming from–without attending to my soul, it was withering up and crying out for some nourishment.
i think the important thing to remember, which yes, i did forget this time, was that sometimes, i lie. it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon (about the time i thought about my parched spirit) that i had to remind myself that i don’t have to believe everything i think. this weekend was an anomaly, NOT the norm. and that sometimes, you have to put a little work in to get what you’re after. because that’s what i was really after–a little activity.
last night was all about that. i listened to some janis ian. all that food turned out right. i found the perfect place for my now-finished piece. i took a luxurious bubble bath (after scrubbing the shower). there were fresh sheets on the bed. the evening was cool so i slept with a delicious breeze blowing in.
i woke up this morning with a sense of well-being. i didn’t even mind it was a tuesday. i spoke gently to the cats kneading my belly with their claws. i ate delicious apricot preserves on toast. and even though i got some disappointing news (no community garden plot for me, boo!), it didn’t ruin the day. it didn’t make it a total bust. i’m even considering seeing my boyfriend again.
hurrah for departing hormones!