In Which Our Heroine Feels Fat and Vows to Never Eat Again

man, I hate sugar.

which is a lie. if you know me, you know how much i love cookies, ice cream, pudding, cake, and anything chocolate. it’s my catnip–it makes me crazy.

but it’s also NOT a lie, because sugar does strange things to me. it makes me bloated (fat) and tired. which, if you do research, are actually pretty common side-effects, although the word they used is fatigued. Which is pretty accurate. Last year i was fatigued from Halloween until Christmas, and didn’t figure it out until I used the Googler. This internets thing is pretty useful.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day, eating-wise. I just kept going. A semi-healthy breaky, TWO lunches, and endless cookie snacking in between all “meals”. Dinner was better but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of sugar overload. And then the long look in the mirror produced the predictable “I’m never eating another cookie again!”. I went to bed hating the habits i’ve let myself get into the last two years, the ever-slipping self control. It’s important to me to put unprocessed REAL food into my body, but sometimes those Christmas treats at the office are so damn tempting.

Ugh. I wanted to make this post about how I’m going to do better, detailing why I’m ready to make changes in my life again, which includes a month-long trial of the “Paleo” diet starting in January. But I just get upset thinking about. I have to remember–it was ONE day. It was a bad day, it’s not a bad life. Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch for three hours. That’s ok every once in a while. So here’s a picture of Little Brother watching RuPaul with me.

Remus

In Which Our Heroine Reflects

I like to think that part of my real-world education as an adult comes from reading the thoughts and observations of other adults. I read a wide variety of blogs, from people with different lifestyles and perspectives on life than me, and it’s always interesting and inspiring to read how other people find fulfillment in their life. One of my particular favorites is Ben Hewitt , who posted on his blog this morning about self-satisfaction and the evaluation of his position in life.

“Is this the way I want to live my life?”

That was the main thrust of his musings this morning. He wondered if he asked himself that question often enough, and encouraged his readers to do the same. So naturally, it got me to thinking (which is the point of education, I believe).

At first glance, yes of course I am, my brain wants to argue. I have a steady reliable job, working on paying down debt, I have a wonderful boyfriend and family,  I live on my own comfortably, and never want for food.

So that takes care of the necessities. But upon further reflection–am I actually living the way I feel is best? Most ethical & life-giving to the world around me?

I was a bit surprised by the answer. I have it in my heart that “one day” I will have my own little homestead, “one day” I will have a veggie garden to eat from and an herb garden to cure from. I’ll raise my own little piglets and can my own fruit jellies and quilt heirlooms to give as Christmas gifts. But today is not that day, sadly enough. I am not free from the grocery store. I am not returning as much as possible to the earth. I’ve let my little home get a little cluttered, again. I’m not as passionate about eating healthy–I work out vigorously and then go home and eat cheese-slathered bread. I don’t have any intentional time of prayer, meditation, or calming of the spirit–I am harried and stressed about mostly nothing.

I keep making excuses for myself–I live in 400 square feet, clutter happens. I don’t have any space for a garden, I can’t grow my own kale. I am undergoing treatment for my back, I can’t push myself to work out any harder. My bokashi bin is full, I can’t compost my scraps. I don’t have time for spiritual growth.

But you know what? I COULD grow my herbs on my front porch again. I COULD empty my bokashi bin at the urban farm near work. I COULD stop eating the endless cookies/cake/cheese/chocolate in my pantry. I COULD start looking for a house again. I don’t have to keep going to goodwill just to pick more crap up–I COULD drop some off too, if I’m there anyway. I have a trunk full of interesting fabrics, why don’t I sew while watching Star Trek? I wake up a full hour and a half before I leave for work, surely I can find time for meditation and prayer in there. These are only excuses.

It’s a little early, January isn’t here yet. But I want to change my habits and choices to better reflect my desires and goals. It means keeping the ice cream out of my freezer. It means just going out to get those herbs–I already have the pots and soil! It’s about not using my time to lounge about the couch, but to actively PURSUE my passions–pulling the fabric out of the bin, stopping by the gym one more time this week. Creativity isn’t nourished by lazinessDerby is just around the corner, baby-child. I’m gonna have to skate if I want to play the game.  Amazing things won’t just happen to me when I hit snooze.

This is me, giving myself a good shake. It’s time to remember what it is I want out of this life. It’s time to remember what kind of woman I want to be.

Are you living your life the way you want?