Intention

I started going to the chiropractor again this month, after a six month hiatus (losing one’s insurance can cause that). I was in a lot of pain regularly, and was having trouble when I skated, so I asked around and found a good chiropractic office that offers massage as well, for a manageable price.

It has been excruciating.

Two years of work with Dr Jones, seriously undone by my time off. Still better than it used to be, but not where I wanted to be. What I like about Michelle is that she gives me really great insight into why my body is behaving certain ways, and I’m coming to realize that derby just isn’t enough to keep me in shape. I’m not in shape. I am not as bad as I could be, but who the heck wants THAT? I want to be the best I can be.

Derby is actually causing a few problems with muscle imbalances, and I’ve been ignoring basic things, like core strength, all-over leg strength, and flexibility. Each week I have gone in, it’s been brought home to me over and over again that I am not doing enough. I am not taking care of my body. There is so much more i need to be paying attention to, little things (like stretching) that would only take a few moments of my day, that I am just too lazy to do.

I went to self-employment around the same time my derby season ended in November. I got drafted and a week later, went part-time. I didn’t realize what losing the two most grounding things at the same time would mean for me. I didn’t see them as “losses” at all–I was simply taking a much-needed and well-deserved break from skating (only for two months, I said) and simultaneously getting the chance to dare big and try something I felt my soul needed. I don’t regret either of these things–they were nourishing, for a time. But the break-up of my routine made discipline exceedingly difficult.

I joined the Y again yesterday–drove straight over there from the chiropractor. And this morning, as I lay in a yoga & meditation class, I came to the realization that I have been letting things slip. I have been drifting through life for a while. Seeing problems and ignoring them in favor of checking my Instagram (filled with the beautiful homes, children, lives of strangers). Letting the dishes pile up, piling clean AND dirty laundry up on the end of the bed and leaving it there until Jon does the laundry the following weekend, forgetting to get cat food for a week straight.

I’ve let all my houses get out of order, and it’s starting to affect my spirit, my relationships, my health. I have brief flashes of motivation (a weekend of Small Victory projects) but then find it so much easier to just not mow my front lawn. I keep saying to myself silly things, like, “once the new floors are in, I’ll want to keep this place looking it’s best” but I know the truth: if I didn’t do it before, why would i do it after?

As I lay on the mat, slightly shamed by the (surprisingly limber) seniors to my left and right, the word “intention” popped into my head. And I realized that that’s what I’ve been missing. I wake up each day, not knowing what needs to be done or how to go about improving the things I dislike (back pain, weight gain, smelly house). Working from home, I feel like I’ve somewhat lost the purpose of each day–they all bleed together, sometimes I honestly do not know what day it is until I check the calendar.

I want to begin living mindfully, with purposefulness. To rise each morning with the deliberate goal of making the most of every moment. Of refusing to let the laziness that has permeated my life sneak in once again. I always feel so much better when my kitchen is clean, when my clothes are put away, when my home feels welcoming, when I have used my body and know it is running as smoothly as it can.

So, I write this today because I need to have some sort of declaration to the universe, an invitation for beautiful things to happen as well as a form of accountability in my life:

I WILL spend time on chores in the mornings, keeping things tidy and clean. (This may mean a thorough decluttering first).

I WILL make time to cross-train, to move more and stretch and nourish my body with strength. Yoga, weights, swimming.

I WILL take the time to plan meals that I know are in my best interest, and I will shop for and make the time to cook those meals.

I WILL put health & employment above social media & personal screen time.

I will strive to become my most marvelous & authentic self.